Losing Josiah: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
**I wrote this blog last year. It was my attempt at coping. This may be triggering.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18)
Wow. It’s surreal putting this out into the atmosphere. I’ve always heard stories and even witnessed close family members experiencing the unexplainable feeling of losing a child. There’s a lot of things that I can say I was in the number but this is one I would’ve ever imagined being a part of. I am 1 of 4...
July 11, 2018. It’s approximately 3 am and I’ve been running to the bathroom all night. Brushing it off to what was said to be a bladder infection, I wasn’t alarmed at first. It wasn’t until about an hour later, a puddle grew underneath me while in bed and I rushed to get up, thinking I’ve had an accident. The puddle followed me from the bed, into the bathroom, and then the shower.
5:30 am. We arrived at the emergency room only for them to attempt to send me home because “You’re not far along enough for your water to break”. I never experienced my water breaking since I was induced with Lena. Fortunately, I’m one persistent woman. Within a matter of minutes, we’re taken back, processed, and waiting for our room.
I lay flat not seeing a screen much less the sonographer telling me what he sees. The doctor comes in, kicks my husband out, and in the least empathetic tone tells me I’m having a miscarriage. She leaves and once my husband returns, I’m forced to tell him the hardest thing I’ve ever spoken in my life. I was 2 days shy of being 20 weeks which is when they were willing to intervene.
The entire staff had already made up their minds. Despite the thriving heartbeat and activity level, they took my womanhood and decided my fate. I’ve never felt so pathetic and weak in my life. I’m vocal when it comes to everything else but I failed at protecting my baby. AT least that's how I felt.
I could feel everything but simultaneously I could feel nothing at all. The conference District Super, the hospital chaplain, a family friend who’s also a pastor, and my granny all came to pray over and for me. I heard none of what was said and felt nothing. There have been times in life where my faith had been tested but this was the first time where I had none at all.
Here I am laying flat again. The staff didn’t even realize that there was a mirror on the ceiling. I watched as I pushed out my baby doll of a son. I could see his chest still moving or maybe it was in my mind. They cleaned him and dressed him in a crochet outfit.
I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t feel deserving. Despite my wishes, he was placed in my hands and I was forced to face this beautiful and perfect little boy. I felt my blood boil as the staff took pictures. As bad as I felt, I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to keep him with me because he was supposed to come home with us.
I battled with depression while carrying him. Unknown to the fact that I was pregnant. I still struggle with the belief that he carried my burden not knowing that he would be leaving me in pieces. Crazy thing is, I remember my granny saying when her mother was sick, she asked God to heal her. When he healed her, he brought her back home to Him.
It took approximately 5 months before I could even say his name. Saying his name would have just made it all real. I can’t bring myself to look at his pictures but his face is engraved in my thoughts. When Lena and I pray at night, I ask Josiah to watch over his siblings.
His passing made a wedge in our marriage that was almost damning to us. We didn’t know how to be there for one another. We simply existed and parented Lena. Lena’s name means light. I believe that if we didn’t have her, our marriage would’ve ended.
I hated all of the flowers that were being sent. I hated all of the apologies. I learned that people really don’t know what to say. The worst was “You’re going to have lots of other babies”. And for whatever reason, folk love to ask what happened. I don’t think people realize that if I could, I would’ve given up having more children for Josiah.
December 1. This was Josiah’s due date. I received a positive pregnancy test. We go to the doctor and long and behold my due date is July 22. 11 days after Josiah was born. Here I am at 20 weeks and we’re expecting another boy. God, I don’t know what you have up your sleeve.....
We welcomed baby Kaleb on July 16, 2019! He is currently 1. I like to believe that Josiah passed a baton to him because he has the energy of two boys. Stay tuned for a post about him!